Sunday, September 19, 2010

Why I write and why I don't

I came upon a PTSD blog today and instantly fell into the cauldron of flashback turmoil- I wanted to comment and tell the writer but then chose not to stir it up any more than it already is.

Sometimes when looking into the pain, I find I spiral down into this place where it takes over and I'm unable to do anything else but 'feel the pain'.

At other times, I seem to be able to feel 'normal' and function at least on some level of control and self-determination and in those times I choose to stay in that place rather than deliberately step back into the introspective pain-filled one.

I don't know if that's good or bad- right or wrong- maybe it's none of those things.

I just know that I've spent the past many years trying to avoid the pain - it just overwhelms and takes over - hurts so much and cripples me into utter "bound-up-ness".

I hate that place and want to avoid it at all costs.

I read about others' recovery and wonder at that - it's amazing to me. I have no idea how to get to the place where they are.

Oh well, that's the way it is today.

Talk to you later,


  1. The psychologist kept telling me that crying is the best thing I could do and she wanted me to do more. I reckon that if you've been crying for years, gone thourh all that agony for so long and all the blotchy eyes and headaches it brings and gotten no better you might as well give it up. There is something deep down in me that I can't even identify but the truth is I don't want to (crying now too). I am happier and more productive just to keep on trying to be normal. I've spent too long from my little life trying to get better so I'll just take me as I am now. Cherrie
    Word verification is "nonsa" and I'll take it that all crying and going back is just nonsense I don't need. teehe

  2. I don't cry any more- all shut down- occasionally tears will come to my eyes for a minute but they never fall- I remember a HUGE weeping session several years ago- I felt so GOOD after but that was the last one- oh well. No answers on this one. hugs m

  3. Maribeth ... healing is possible. I was where you are at, and sometimes it feels like you're stuck, or at least no progressing, yet not really regressing either.

    Crying helps, but then you have to make active choices in your life to change things. Of course, saying this is easier than done - but it is doable.

    May the Lord be your strength every day and may you experience His love first and foremost.