Friday, September 3, 2010

Why "Becoming Me" ?

Here I am, almost 60 years old and again am asking, "Who am I"? I thought I figured that out in my late teens... but so much has happened since then - so much life- so much abuse, so much pain, PTSD, so much loss. And while there have been wonderful blessings in my life: my 3 great sons and a husband who just never stops giving- over the past few years so much of my existence has been circumscribed by the pain of my daily life.

I have fibromyalgia so there is pretty much pain somewhere in my body all the time- but I can cope with that except when there are hurricanes or big weather changes- then I need a pain killer of some kind.

But there's no pain killer for the emotional pain that wracks my life. So many things trigger the PTSD- many of them even still catch me by surprise.

One theory says to ignore all that and get busy with something else and it will go away. Another says, be honest, admit what you've experienced and pursue healing.

Who really knows?

What I tend to do when the emotional pain is too much is play mentally challenging computer games that force me to sidestep the pain to concentrate on the game- eventually the pain seems to dissipate- but what kind of life is that- always running for the computer - or a book to read?



  1. I don't have the fibtomyalgia but I still suffer with PTSD from an emotionally abusive marriage. You never know when something will come up and lash you and I think as you get older the body reacts faster to these stimuli as well. My first and foremost comfort is my relationship with the God of the Bible and the knowledge that his purpose includes setting up a paradise and erasing our painful memories. I couldn't go on without my reliance on him. Books are my zone out help and I generally read to fall to sleep because to refuse to sleep after I have been crying. Cherrie

  2. Thanx Cherrie, I think for me the emotional anguish from the PTSD is worse than the physical pain of the fibro- I've been out of church for 8 years- so the God thing isn't the comfort it used to be... I was a nicer person then...
    Anyway, thanx for taking time to comment,

  3. I have Complex-PTSD and also a great deal of all-over physical pain, which may be fibro, I don't know. Joints, muscles, bones, everything hurts, especially when the weather changes. I mainly escape through reading novels, my husband, with his combat-related PTSD from Vietnam, does the same thing. We literally read hundreds of books per year. We also do a lot of computer escape, he likes farmville, I like to do graphic design on my printmaster program. Usually I do home design and interior design on the printmaster, but I also design greeting cards and posters and bumper stickers too, those activities really help me to zone out and not have to THINK or FEEL anything painful. But I often feel guilty for wasting my life on these activities... I have so much I need to do in the real world, like laundry and housecleaning. I used to be known as the "neat freak," before my physical and emotional pain got so bad.

  4. Hi Lynda- I read too- I can manage quite a high level of pain that way- glad to know someone else who does. Probably read at least 7-10 books a week!
    I finally started recording books/plots/characters etc so I can remember stories as I flashback to them- so many are from the library -yet it's so frustrating to remember a story line but not be able to remember either the author or title! So have a spreadsheet I'm doing- was actually shocked at how many authors I follow and am acquainted with thru fb and the net- I have a separate fb just for my author and reader pals.

    Have you written your entire story yet? It is fascinating to see how together you still are.

    I understand that guilt at avoiding pain which makes us see ourselves as unproductive. My triggers seem to be less now but hubby only has to raise his voice and I'm off in lala land again spinning and churning...

    God doesn't seem to keep the forests all that clean apart from a really good storm every so often to blow the detritus away so don't worry about it... one of my favourite verses is in the Proverbs: "where the stall is clean, no oxen are"- forget the reference- but the house does stay clean when we're all away 8~)
    That Puritan thing, "cleanliness is next to godliness' is just that - Puritan- I'm not one so have to manage me and hope I can at least be civil to my family.
    Thanx for commenting, hugs, m